On the McDonaldland Gang

According to Wikipedia (hat tip Vanessa),

Grimace is a fantasy character, and not intended to "be" anything specific. However, ever since the character's introduction there has been much speculation (though much of it tongue-in-cheek) about his appearance. Because the majority of McDonald's characters more or less directly represent a food product sold at the restaurants (ie: Mayor McCheese, Fryguys, Chicken McNuggets Buddies, etc) many have naturally tried to guess as to what, if any, food product Grimace is supposed to represent. A common speculation is that he is supposed to be a giant McNugget, though there are many more fanciful attempted explanations. In reality, Grimace's "official" role, according to McDonald's, continues to be to represent the chain's famous milkshakes. However, he does this out of love for the taste, and not because he is in any way a shake-based creature himself.

Bullshit, I say. Or at least, that's got to be a half-truth. Grimace may not be a milkshake-based creature, but has McDonalds ever said that milkshakes aren't Grimace-based? And after doing a lot of research some research absolutely no research whatsoever, I've discovered that this is, in fact, the case. McDonald's corporate has done an excellent job hiding the source, but it's true: McDondald's milkshakes are Grimace-based. Indeed, they are made with Grimace's own secretions of some as of yet undetermined variety. Fucking gross, I think.

Further, Grimace is "generally portrayed in McDonalds' commercials and merchandise as a sort of well-meaning doofus, whose clumsy antics provide a comic foil to the more serious and mature Ronald McDonald." That's right, the more serious and mature Ronald McDonald. I didn't believe it either, but the article prompted me to do some more research download porn talk out of my ass - and it's true. Did you know that Ronald McDonald is not only a clown, but also a Shakespearean actor? It's true, and goddamn, y'all should see his interpretation of the part of Macbeth; it's fucking unbelievable. (The Hamburglar, in fact, plays opposite Ronald as Macduff, though without the same undeniable pathos that can only be expressed by a man with a bright red nose.) And did you know that Ronald McDonald is related to Pennywise, the clown from It?They're second-cousins! Now you know why Ronald eats children.

The Hamburglar, as y'all may know from your first-year criminal law class, was the subject of the famous case U.S. v. Hamburglar, 90 McD.2d 182 (1983). Having been charged with 735 counts of theft of hamburgers moving in interstate commerce, contrary to 18 U.S.C. § 659, the court had to decide (1) whether they could accept a plea of "Robble robble robble," and (2) if they could, what the fuck it would mean. Eventually, of course, the McDonaldland Circuit held that they could not accept such a plea, and that it would be the equivalent of the defendant standing mute. The Hamburglar was subequently tried, convicted, and was sent to federal prison, where he made the thief from the Cookie Crisp commercials his bitch.

Fuck it, I really need to get some work done.