Advice for 1Ls

As the summer draws to a close and the school year creeps closer and closer, I've had some time to reflect on that hazing ritual called "1L". Rather, I've had time to reflect, but I've mainly used that time to drink beer on the Terrace. Since I'm such a nice guy, I've assembled a few thoughts to try and assuage the fears of this incoming class:

1. Watch The Paper Chase. In fact, watch it over and over. You may even consider buying a transcript, an outline, and possibly even memorizing it. Not only is law school exactly as it is portrayed, but you will be tested on the movie come exams. In fact, if you don't cite to the movie at least three times on any given question, you've probably failed and will be condemned to spend the rest of your life clerking for Judge Judy.

2. Stress yourself out as much as you possibly can. There is a reason that the inscription over the door to any respectable law school reads "Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter This Place." Because, after all, ulcers are the shit.

3. Beware the Socratic method. At some point in the semester (probably the first day), the professor will ask you a mind-bogglingly difficult legal question that even Chief Justice Rehnquist couldn't answer. After you get it wrong, (which of course you will,) the entire class will laugh at your utter incompetence and throw spitballs at you. The professor will call you names and ridicule you mercilessly. But don't worry - your torment will soon stop. Fortunately, the school is equipped with a trap door underneath every classroom seat which will open and you will fall into sweet, sweet oblivion and you'll wake up several days later in a bathtub full of ice and missing your kidneys.

4. Law school is exactly like high school. Make a bet with your friends to lose your virginity by prom. Try not to have sex with any baked goods, as this will come back to haunt you on the "Character and Fitness" portion of the Bar.

5. Sleep with your professors. Since the grading is anonymous, it may not help you get that A. But hey, it couldn't hurt either.

6. Tell everyone your LSAT score. In fact, post flyers around the atrium with it. People will be very impressed and you will make friends quickly. Actually, flyers may not be very effective. Use spray paint.

7. Take up smoking. If you're already a smoker, take up heroin. If you're already addicted to heroin, just freebase the UCC.

8. Finally, make sure that you say good-bye to your old friends and family. You're not going to see them or speak to them for the next year. In fact, you're not going to see anything outside the library for the next year. As we all know from books like One-L, Law school is a terrible experience and if you have any sort of social life, you will fail out. If you manage to have a social life and still pass your exams, you will still be expelled on principle... Or, you could always just chill the fuck out and enjoy yourself.

Hope that helps.