The Jurisprudence of Chuck Norris

- It is impossible to sue Chuck Norris for battery because whatever force he uses is always reasonable.

- Chuck Norris can recite ERISA from memory, word for word, but he never does it because ERISA is fucking boring.

- Congress once considered amending the Federal Rules of Evidence to make anything offered by Chuck Norris automatically admissible.

- Chuck Norris invented the common law.

- Chuck Norris does not need consideration to enforce his contracts.

- When the law of negligence first developed, liability turned on what Chuck Norris would do. The standard for conduct was later lowered to the “ordinary and reasonably prudent man.”

- Chuck Norris used to own Blackacre, but burnt it down for the insurance.

- Originally, the idea of separation of powers was a reference to the fact that Chuck Norris has two different fists.

- Chuck Norris has unlimited peremptory strikes, which he exercises by melting prospective jurors with his mind.

- Justice is blind because Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked her in the face.

If I Were an Appellate Judge...

A friend of mine recently pointed out that I end a great many of my posts with "fuck it." I think that this would make an excellent signature opinion. Sure Cardozo and Learned Hand may have been famous for their "brilliant prose" and "legendary judicial reasoning," but did they ever end an opinion with: "Fuck it, AFFIRMED."?

Opinions written in Limmerick or Haiku wouldn't be a bad idea either. Palsgraf v. Long Island R.R. would go a little something like this:

Jumped on moving train
Guards help him and package falls
Man's package explodes

Plaintiff nearby, hurt
Conduct not wrongful to him
Not proximate cause

Or perhaps a Lettermanesque opinion, with the "Top 10 Reasons Appellant is Not Entitled to Relief."

Fuck it, Reversed....I mean, off to study.

Aliens (Not the Kind that Work at Walmart)

After watching War of the Worlds last night, I thought back to an old question I had about these types of "alien-invasion" scenarios: Why do we assume that if there is intelligent life out there, it's bound to be more advanced than us?

Fuck, it's just as likely that we're the smartest assholes out there. Where are all the movies about us invading some pathetic little civilization that's still stuck in the Stone Age? Good old-fashioned wars of conquest may have (temporarily) gone out of fashion on this planet, but what's to stop us from terrorizing us some E.T.'s? I want a little, green butler dammit.

Fuck it, time for lunch.

On the McDonaldland Gang

According to Wikipedia (hat tip Vanessa),

Grimace is a fantasy character, and not intended to "be" anything specific. However, ever since the character's introduction there has been much speculation (though much of it tongue-in-cheek) about his appearance. Because the majority of McDonald's characters more or less directly represent a food product sold at the restaurants (ie: Mayor McCheese, Fryguys, Chicken McNuggets Buddies, etc) many have naturally tried to guess as to what, if any, food product Grimace is supposed to represent. A common speculation is that he is supposed to be a giant McNugget, though there are many more fanciful attempted explanations. In reality, Grimace's "official" role, according to McDonald's, continues to be to represent the chain's famous milkshakes. However, he does this out of love for the taste, and not because he is in any way a shake-based creature himself.

Bullshit, I say. Or at least, that's got to be a half-truth. Grimace may not be a milkshake-based creature, but has McDonalds ever said that milkshakes aren't Grimace-based? And after doing a lot of research some research absolutely no research whatsoever, I've discovered that this is, in fact, the case. McDonald's corporate has done an excellent job hiding the source, but it's true: McDondald's milkshakes are Grimace-based. Indeed, they are made with Grimace's own secretions of some as of yet undetermined variety. Fucking gross, I think.

Further, Grimace is "generally portrayed in McDonalds' commercials and merchandise as a sort of well-meaning doofus, whose clumsy antics provide a comic foil to the more serious and mature Ronald McDonald." That's right, the more serious and mature Ronald McDonald. I didn't believe it either, but the article prompted me to do some more research download porn talk out of my ass - and it's true. Did you know that Ronald McDonald is not only a clown, but also a Shakespearean actor? It's true, and goddamn, y'all should see his interpretation of the part of Macbeth; it's fucking unbelievable. (The Hamburglar, in fact, plays opposite Ronald as Macduff, though without the same undeniable pathos that can only be expressed by a man with a bright red nose.) And did you know that Ronald McDonald is related to Pennywise, the clown from It?They're second-cousins! Now you know why Ronald eats children.

The Hamburglar, as y'all may know from your first-year criminal law class, was the subject of the famous case U.S. v. Hamburglar, 90 McD.2d 182 (1983). Having been charged with 735 counts of theft of hamburgers moving in interstate commerce, contrary to 18 U.S.C. § 659, the court had to decide (1) whether they could accept a plea of "Robble robble robble," and (2) if they could, what the fuck it would mean. Eventually, of course, the McDonaldland Circuit held that they could not accept such a plea, and that it would be the equivalent of the defendant standing mute. The Hamburglar was subequently tried, convicted, and was sent to federal prison, where he made the thief from the Cookie Crisp commercials his bitch.

Fuck it, I really need to get some work done.

Harry Potter and the Reasonable Wizard

I read Harry Potter books like I drink: with a total lack of self-control or ability to stop that has often left me waking up next to a girl whose name I don't know. Ok, maybe not. I usually know the girl's name after I go on a Harry Potter bender...

Anyway, the point is that, instead of pacing myself and savoring Book 6 like a fine sipping bourbon, I basically started chugging literary goodness straight from the bottle and my hangover's fucking killing me. Alternately, it might just be the Jager. Whatever. Either way, I still have to wait two fucking years for J.K. Rowling to hook me up with my next fix.

In one of my rare moments of sensitivity, I'll refrain from discussing the book in detail for now. I know I'd be fucking pissed if someone told me that Professor Flitwick gets thrown in Azkaban for molesting Hogwarts students, or that the judge was the murderer. (If you get that reference, I'll be fucking impressed.) However, I will say that Book 6 fucking rocks.

I've also realized that the whole fucking Harry Potter series should be on any incoming 1L's summer reading list. I'm fucking serious. Harry Potter can teach you just as much about law school as fucking One-L:

1. Just like at Hogwarts, law school teaches you to use magic words. Hell, the law is full of fucking incantations, and if you wave your hands around and mutter a bunch of silly Latin phrases magic happens. For example, "res ipsa loquitur" will conjure liability out of thin air.

2. Everyone loves gunners like Hermione Granger. Of course, most of the gunners in law school are not like Hermione Granger. For example, your typical gunner will not have sick fucks creating countdown-until-he/she-turns-18 websites about them. Also, unlike your typical gunner, Hermione Granger will probably go on to a satisfying and fulfilling life after she graduates.

3. Watch out for professors that have Dark Wizards growing out of the back of their heads. They tend to have tough curves.

4. Try out for your law school's Quidditch team. To do this, take hard drugs until you think that you can fly. Then fucking kill yourself because you think that Quiddich is a real sport. Jesus fucking Christ, what's wrong with you?

5. As demonstrated by the Weasley Twins, everyone loves a good practical joke. Although you probably can't do magic, you can still surprise everyone with bangs and smoke if you set off fireworks indoors. People will particularly appreciate this during exams. In fact, you might not have to bother with that whole "bar exam" thing and you'll have all the big firms just dying to pay you to sit around and snort blow off a Veela's ass. I don't know where I was going with this one.

6. Expect several important characters to die by the time you're ready to take the bar.

I need a fucking nap.

Report: Video Games Cause Cannibalism in Children

Associated Press - Horror struck the sleepy town of Fuckityville, IN when little Timmy O'Toole, aged 13, cracked open his little sister's skull and feasted on her sweet, sweet brains within. Uncomprehending parents and authorities are blaming video games for this grisly crime.

"If only we hadn't bought Timmy that gosh darn Stubbs the Zombie game for Christmas," said Mindy O'Toole. "If only I had read the Mediafamily.org report on how horrible violent games are for children... children are so impressionable, especially when these awful games glorify cannibalism."

Sadly, this is not the first such incident to blemish Fuckityville. Police Chief Basil Shitski attributes a string of carjackings/murders to youngsters playing Grand Theft Auto. "It was mayhem, I tells ya," said Shitski. "Kids was just yanking people out of their cars and jumping in. Some of dem would just start shooting at random folk with machine guns and rocket launchers purchased at AmmuNation. It was even worse then back in '89 when all dem kids kept getting high on mushrooms and jumping on those poor little turtles by da old pond."

Police have issued a warning to others who may have purchased games on Mediafamily.org's list of games they don't like. Parents are urged to watch for early warning signs of cannibalism in their children. Signs of cannibalism include dialated pupils, withdrawal from family and friends, and consuming human flesh.

Never Meet Your Heroes

I met Tucker Max this weekend, and I have to admit, I was kind of dissapointed. When I first found out he was going to be doing a book signing here, I was fucking ecstatic. In all seriousness, I was looking forward to seeing him in person just as much as I was Scalia - I mean, if there was a Drinking and Womanizing Hall of Fame, he'd be the first one inducted. And unlike Scalia's brilliant opinion in Crawford v. Washington, I still laugh out loud at repeated readings of The Absinthe Donuts Story or Tucker Tries Buttsex.

Thing is, he just seemed tired and hungover. And, while I can sympathize, having been in that position a few times myself, I had expected someone larger than life. I expected belligerent drunkedness and general obnoxiousness. Instead, there was just this guy sitting there, looking like he was bored out of his mind.

Of course, you can't fault the guy for not living up to my inflated expectations - after all, he's the biggest propenent of the "this above all: to thine own self be true /tho' thine own self be an alcoholic a-raging" philsophy. You can't force the kind of things he has in his stories: getting drunk and doing stupid things have to happen of its own accord. If he was just "performing" to portray the "Tucker Max image" for his adoring fans, he would have been as much of a poser as the douches he mocks.

Even so, I wish I had had the opportunity to see the man at his A-game. Maybe someday.

Fuck it.

Legal Terms for Everyday Use: The "12(b)(6)"

12(b)(6) - A situation where no matter what you do, you're not getting laid - usually time to abandon ship.

Example:
"Yeah, that girl's a total 12(b)(6). She's not leaving her friends tonight."

Source: Federal Rule of Civil Procedure 12(b)(6):

Every defense, in law or fact, to a claim for relief in any pleading, whether a claim, counterclaim, cross-claim, or third-party claim, shall be asserted in the responsive pleading thereto if one is required, except that the following defenses may at the option of the pleader be made by motion: ...
failure to state a claim upon which relief can be granted...

Basically, it's a motion that says "even if everything you said in your complaint is true, you're fucked because there's nothing the law can do for you." In other words, you're still not getting any action, no matter how good your game.

Why I Should Be the Next Pope

As I sit here in Starbucks, slowly getting close to catching up on all the Con Law that I have neglected to read for the past month (mmm... Pass/Fail option), I've realized something very important. Even though I've wanted to be a lawyer since I watched The Devil's Advocate in high school, there might be a more satisfying career choice out there: being the Pope.

First of all, the job security is incredible. Not only are you Pope until you die, you don't even have to be able to fulfill the duties in your job description. You can sit around on a golden throne, mumble incoherently, and look holy. Moreover, you're pretty set on your career path. Fuck having to worry about making partner - you're God's representative on Earth. Unless you plan on running for Jesus, you're pretty much at the top of the food chain.

Besides all that, just think of all the girls you could get as Pope. Sure, you have to take a "vow of celibacy," but that's pretty much a formality, like promising not to bill clients for playing solitaire. I mean, it's not like you can't fool around as Pope - see, e.g., most of the Middle Ages and Renessaince. Fathering illegitimate children was practically expected and I'm pretty good at that. Plus, I've heard that chicks dig piety funny hats incalculable wealth and power.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "But Legally Intocxiated, you're an idiot Jewish. You can't be Pope." However, I don't see that as a serious obstacle. I mean, Jesus was Jewish. So was the first Pope, Peter. I think that I'm in pretty good company. Sure, my ancestors may have killed Christ, but that was an accident. We thought we were just killing Santa Claus.

Further, as far as my qualifications are concerned, I'm an excellent bullshitter. If I was able to convince my high school physics teacher that performing a ritual out of some stupid New Age book was a legitimate scientific experiment for my science fair project, I'll have no problem with all that "God loves you" and "If you repent for your sins, you'll go to heaven" stuff. Moreover, I'm already infallible and have a direct pipeline to God. And I have a doctorate in theology look good in big hats. If that's not enough, I don't know what is.

Fuck it, back to Con Law.

The Honorable Justice Balki Bartokamous

Professor Althouse's (whom I will be taking a class with in the Fall) discussion about the problems of nominating people to "represent" different groups on the Supreme Court got me thinking. Why should we stop at trying to nominate such broad fucking groups like "women" or "hispanic" or "pygmy"? After all there are plenty of minorites that have never even been considered for the Supreme Court...

- Black, Jewish Women. We've had a few black people on the Court by now, a couple of Jews, and two very lovely ladies. But have we had all of these qualities in a single person? I think not. And I remember meeting a hot, black Jewish girl at my friends' anti-Matzah Ball Party in Dallas. Of course, I had quite a bit to drink, so she may not have been hot/black/Jewish/real. But either way, we have a perfect nominee.

- Dolphins. Almost as intelligent as we are, (and incidentally, delicious with tuna,) nominating a dolphin would be a "first-ever" non-human. Screw women and minorities, at least they've got their fellow Homo sapiens on the Court. The downside to having a dolphin on the court is that it would make oral argument even more taxing than it already is:

Counsel: ...therefore, the statements in question were not "testimonial" within the meaning of Crawford v. Washington, and to support this, I'd like to point out...

Justice EEEEK 'KLIK A A A A 'KLIK: A a a 'klik ch'a a a ch' ch' eeeek a a a a a ch' klick a a?

Counsel: No, your honor. The case before us concerns only a private citizen's statements to an off-duty law enforcement officer, who cannot be said to have been operating in his official capacity.

Justice EEEEK 'KLIK A A A A 'KLIK: Ch' k'k'k a a k'a eeek eeek?

Counsel: Yes, your honor. That would be a relevant difference because it goes to the similarity of the inquiry to the type of ex parte examination that the Confrontation Clause was designed to...

Justice EEEEK 'KLIK A A A A 'KLIK: Eeeeek a a a k'a k'a eeeek ch'k'k'k a a a?

Counsel: I'm sorry, your honor. I did not bring any fish for you today.

- Meposian Immigrants. If the wacky antics of Balki Bartokomous are any indication of this radically unrepresented minority's procilivity for fun, homespun tales and folk wisdom, and a love of delicious sheep eyeballs, the Senate will be sold in no time. I mean, it's not like the Constitution requires Justices to be natural-born citizens. Besides, who wouldn't want to see a dissenting opinion that starts out with "Don't be rediculous, cousin LARRY Justice SOUTER"? Perfect Strangers make perfect justices.

Fuck it.

Why I should probably be wearing a straightjacket instead of a suit and tie

So last night I tried to upstage a preacher on the way back from a journal meeting. He was one of those fire-and-brimstone-accept-Jesus-into-your-life-before-you-burn-in-hell fuckers with a bunch of assholes holding up huge signs with bible quotes, standing in front of Memorial Library. I really don't know what got into me - maybe it was the fact that they serve beer at journal meetings - maybe it was nicotine withdrawal angrying up my blood, since I just quit dipping - maybe I was just in a weird mood - but regardless, it happened.

As I passed by, I started preaching in my best televangelist voice:


"Praised be to Thor and His mighty hammer, for He is the Light and the Way. Only Thor can slay the Frost Giants. Only Thor can slay Jormagandr, the Midgard Serpent, and bring Ragnarok to a close.

"Praised be to Thor and His mighty Father Odin, who rides his six-legged steed. Only through Odin shall you enter into the eternal glory of Valhalla, and only if you die in battle. For, without Odin, you'll spend an eternity in Hel.

"In Hel, you will not spend your days in glorious battle, to be resurrected at night. In Hel you will not feast with the Gods. In Hel, you will not fornicate with the Valkyries.

"NO! In Hel, you will be prodded and poked by dwarves! DWARVES and Goblins!..."


You get the picture. I don't think the campus preacher liked me very much.

Fuck it.