The Honorable Justice Balki Bartokamous

Professor Althouse's (whom I will be taking a class with in the Fall) discussion about the problems of nominating people to "represent" different groups on the Supreme Court got me thinking. Why should we stop at trying to nominate such broad fucking groups like "women" or "hispanic" or "pygmy"? After all there are plenty of minorites that have never even been considered for the Supreme Court...

- Black, Jewish Women. We've had a few black people on the Court by now, a couple of Jews, and two very lovely ladies. But have we had all of these qualities in a single person? I think not. And I remember meeting a hot, black Jewish girl at my friends' anti-Matzah Ball Party in Dallas. Of course, I had quite a bit to drink, so she may not have been hot/black/Jewish/real. But either way, we have a perfect nominee.

- Dolphins. Almost as intelligent as we are, (and incidentally, delicious with tuna,) nominating a dolphin would be a "first-ever" non-human. Screw women and minorities, at least they've got their fellow Homo sapiens on the Court. The downside to having a dolphin on the court is that it would make oral argument even more taxing than it already is:

Counsel: ...therefore, the statements in question were not "testimonial" within the meaning of Crawford v. Washington, and to support this, I'd like to point out...

Justice EEEEK 'KLIK A A A A 'KLIK: A a a 'klik ch'a a a ch' ch' eeeek a a a a a ch' klick a a?

Counsel: No, your honor. The case before us concerns only a private citizen's statements to an off-duty law enforcement officer, who cannot be said to have been operating in his official capacity.

Justice EEEEK 'KLIK A A A A 'KLIK: Ch' k'k'k a a k'a eeek eeek?

Counsel: Yes, your honor. That would be a relevant difference because it goes to the similarity of the inquiry to the type of ex parte examination that the Confrontation Clause was designed to...

Justice EEEEK 'KLIK A A A A 'KLIK: Eeeeek a a a k'a k'a eeeek ch'k'k'k a a a?

Counsel: I'm sorry, your honor. I did not bring any fish for you today.

- Meposian Immigrants. If the wacky antics of Balki Bartokomous are any indication of this radically unrepresented minority's procilivity for fun, homespun tales and folk wisdom, and a love of delicious sheep eyeballs, the Senate will be sold in no time. I mean, it's not like the Constitution requires Justices to be natural-born citizens. Besides, who wouldn't want to see a dissenting opinion that starts out with "Don't be rediculous, cousin LARRY Justice SOUTER"? Perfect Strangers make perfect justices.

Fuck it.