Why I'm an Equal Opportunity Offender

I had the following conversation with Slutz following her argument with Justin Timberlake in the comment section [of my old blog]:

Slutz: "It's guys like him that perpetuate the glass ceiling."

Me: "Yeah, but I like the glass ceiling. The hot secretary on the floor above me never wears panties."

Slutz: "Wow. That's all I can say to that. Wow."

Of course, she made fun of Jews during dinner, which balanced out my misogyny. And really, that's what it's all about. Fuck political correctness, life is much more enjoyable when you can good-naturedly rip on your friends' ethnicity / gender / sexuality / religion / politics and whatever else the fuck makes for good humor.

You know what true diversity and tolerance is? It's not this bullshit environment where everyone has to walk on fucking eggshells lest someone be [gasp] offended. It's about not being a fucking retard* about things.

I'll give you a model of racial fucking harmony: During the 2L recruiting season, I was doing some interviews in Dallas, where one of my oldest friends, Pinche, happened to be going to med school. Since I was crashing at his apartment anyway, I decided to stay a couple of extra days and hang out with Pinche.

One evening, after discovering that we had run out of beer, we headed out to Fiesta - a Mexican grocery store that will sell you some crazy shit. For example, it's where the pledge class below me picked up what they need for a prank that involved placing a fucking pig's head in each and every bathroom stall in the frat house. Anyway, since Pinche happens to be Chinese**, I made a crack that we should pick up some dog while we were there. Rather than getting offended, however, he just responded that (since I'm Jewish), I'd probably be too cheap to pay for my half.

That's what it's fucking all about - not just being cool enough with someone's "differences" that those differences don't fucking matter - but also being cool enough with them to give (and take) shit for those differences like you would for anything else. Ripping on Pinche's ethnicity was as normal as giving him shit about the time (back in high school) when he got so wasted in Mexico that he started getting into arguments with inanimate objects...

Ah, memories.

Fuck it. And fuck political correctness.


* - And yes, I said "retard." Fucking deal with it.

** - Half-Chinese, half-Mexican to be exact.

Sometimes a 50-foot-tall gorilla is just a 50-foot-tall gorilla

Back at Texas, my honors program (Plan II, for those of y’all who know what the hell that is), required all freshman to take a year-long world literature class. It was supposed to be a great experience – instead of a normal 500-person freshman English class in a huge fucking lecture hall, you were in a 15-person discussion section. Many of the professors teaching these small sections were among the university’s elite, and each of them offered a different reading list based on a different theme. I chose the class on monsters.

I thought it would be the perfect class – it was at 11:00, so I’d actually be able to wake up for it, and we were going to be reading classics like the Oddysey and Frankenstein, and modern shit like A Clockwork Orange and Jurassic Park. We were even going watch movies – King Kong, Godzilla, and Alien.

I didn’t realize that the theme would really be “Whitey is the Source of All Evil.”

Describing my professor as “a bad teacher” would be accurate; describing her as “an insecure, pretentious, affirmative-action case who was off the fucking deep-end” would be even better. Hell, she even told us point-blank that she’d never have gotten her Ph.D. without affirmative action. She’s the kind of person that makes a conscious effort to pronounce every non-English-based name with a Spanish accent – even when the names aren’t fucking Spanish in origin. For example, when we read The Tempest, it wasn’t just “Ariel” for her; no, it was “Ahrrrrrrrrrr—iÉL!” “Ariel,” however, is Hebrew for “lion of God” – Biblical, not Latin. I mean, if you’re going to make a conscious effort to be pretentious, at least get your fucking etymology straight.

Anyway, somehow instead of studying about monsters in literature, I turned out to be studying about “post-hegemonic colonial dialectics,”* or some bullshit like that. I think I must have missed the part of the course description where it said, “We will be studying how every goddamn monster, in every work of literature ever written, somehow represents oppressed minorities.”

I’m not fucking exaggerating either. Polyphemus, the cyclops from the Oddyssey? Represents colonial natives, and how the white oppressor, Odysseus, blinded them. The dinosaurs in Jurassic Park – you know the ones with big, pointy teeth and razor-sharp claws that try to eat people? They’re “really” scary because they represent the Other Womyn’s reproductive habits gone awry (because the females start breeding without males). And the monster in Frankenstein – the one made from dead people? He represents the modern black woman’s plight (I have no fucking clue how she made that conceptual leap.) In other words, she was a fucking crackpot.

That was the first time I had ever heard the theory that King Kong is racist. And, to be fair, it was probably the only theory I heard in that class that was at least plausible. As James Pinkerton writes on the Peter Jackson version:

Any movie that features white people sailing off to the Third World to capture a giant ape and carry it back to the West for exploitation is going to be seen as a metaphor for colonialism and racism.

Fine. If you want to find the metaphor in Kong, at least the elements are there. On the other hand, you can see a metaphor for racism in fucking pretty much anything, for example, my argument that doing laundry is implicitly racist.

Kong is Kong, not because he represents the “big, scary black man chasing after the blonde, white woman”; he’s Kong because he’s a giant fucking gorilla. What next, do the dinosaurs in the movie represent Mexicans? Or here’s one: Toucan Sam must represent Jews because he has a big, brightly-colored nose, and “Froot Loops” just symbolize the round shape of the coins we Hebrews lust after. Fucking hell.

I should really get to Evidence. Fuck it.

* - From what I was able to piece together during the class, this is a fancy way to say “psychotic ultraleftist pseudo-intellectualism”**

** - This is a fancy way to say "a load of fucking bullshit."

The Honorable Justice Balki Bartokamous

Professor Althouse's (whom I will be taking a class with in the Fall) discussion about the problems of nominating people to "represent" different groups on the Supreme Court got me thinking. Why should we stop at trying to nominate such broad fucking groups like "women" or "hispanic" or "pygmy"? After all there are plenty of minorites that have never even been considered for the Supreme Court...

- Black, Jewish Women. We've had a few black people on the Court by now, a couple of Jews, and two very lovely ladies. But have we had all of these qualities in a single person? I think not. And I remember meeting a hot, black Jewish girl at my friends' anti-Matzah Ball Party in Dallas. Of course, I had quite a bit to drink, so she may not have been hot/black/Jewish/real. But either way, we have a perfect nominee.

- Dolphins. Almost as intelligent as we are, (and incidentally, delicious with tuna,) nominating a dolphin would be a "first-ever" non-human. Screw women and minorities, at least they've got their fellow Homo sapiens on the Court. The downside to having a dolphin on the court is that it would make oral argument even more taxing than it already is:

Counsel: ...therefore, the statements in question were not "testimonial" within the meaning of Crawford v. Washington, and to support this, I'd like to point out...

Justice EEEEK 'KLIK A A A A 'KLIK: A a a 'klik ch'a a a ch' ch' eeeek a a a a a ch' klick a a?

Counsel: No, your honor. The case before us concerns only a private citizen's statements to an off-duty law enforcement officer, who cannot be said to have been operating in his official capacity.

Justice EEEEK 'KLIK A A A A 'KLIK: Ch' k'k'k a a k'a eeek eeek?

Counsel: Yes, your honor. That would be a relevant difference because it goes to the similarity of the inquiry to the type of ex parte examination that the Confrontation Clause was designed to...

Justice EEEEK 'KLIK A A A A 'KLIK: Eeeeek a a a k'a k'a eeeek ch'k'k'k a a a?

Counsel: I'm sorry, your honor. I did not bring any fish for you today.

- Meposian Immigrants. If the wacky antics of Balki Bartokomous are any indication of this radically unrepresented minority's procilivity for fun, homespun tales and folk wisdom, and a love of delicious sheep eyeballs, the Senate will be sold in no time. I mean, it's not like the Constitution requires Justices to be natural-born citizens. Besides, who wouldn't want to see a dissenting opinion that starts out with "Don't be rediculous, cousin LARRY Justice SOUTER"? Perfect Strangers make perfect justices.

Fuck it.

Doing Laundry is Racist

After spending the good part of a beautiful afternoon the other day doing laundry, I have come to the realization that the institution of laundry itself is inherently racist and that we, as a society, ought abolish this social evil.

I mean, think about it - what is the fundamental principle of laundry? Why, to separate the "whites" from the "color" loads - in other words segregation! And why, pray tell, must the coloreds be separated from the whites? Because the colors will contaminate the whites by making them "dingy" - because the colors will "bleed" into the whites! In particular, we are supposed to separate "new" items of colored clothing - a clear allusion to individuals who have refused to abandon their ethnic identities and adopt the mores of the mainstream whites - because these will do the most "damage" to the purity of these items.

What kind of message are we sending to society when we do laundry in this fashion? What stereotypes are we perpetrating by distinguishing our loads in this manner? Hell, why don't we just go the whole nine yards and designate certain machines for “colors” - perhaps grouped close together in the center of the laundromat - while the white loads are comfortably spread throughout the rest of the facility?

This oppression must end! Hence I encourage each and every one of you who reads this to lobby your representatives in the government to outlaw the separation of white and color loads. I urge you, in your own practice, to achieve a true American melting-pot, every time you de-stink your stinkables. For only when the red sweatshirt, the black pants, the blue and green t-shirt, and the tighty-whities swim together in the same washing machine, will this country truly live up to its ideals of democracy.

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NOTE: Since this blog has an occasional tendency to attract people who lack a certain faculty known as "a sense of humor," and it's attendant ability to recognize and and appreciate things like "sarcasm" and "satire," I'll make explicit what this post was about. I was in no way suggesting that we get rid of the institution of laundry (much as I'd love to for reasons of sheer laziness). Nor was I suggesting that the institution of laundry is in fact racist or that those who separate their laundry into loads based on color are consciously engaging in racism. Rather, I was making fun of people who feel the need to find racism everywhere, and in everything. Yes, racism is real, and it’s a terrible when it happens – but come on folks, pick your fucking battles.