Doing Laundry is Racist

After spending the good part of a beautiful afternoon the other day doing laundry, I have come to the realization that the institution of laundry itself is inherently racist and that we, as a society, ought abolish this social evil.

I mean, think about it - what is the fundamental principle of laundry? Why, to separate the "whites" from the "color" loads - in other words segregation! And why, pray tell, must the coloreds be separated from the whites? Because the colors will contaminate the whites by making them "dingy" - because the colors will "bleed" into the whites! In particular, we are supposed to separate "new" items of colored clothing - a clear allusion to individuals who have refused to abandon their ethnic identities and adopt the mores of the mainstream whites - because these will do the most "damage" to the purity of these items.

What kind of message are we sending to society when we do laundry in this fashion? What stereotypes are we perpetrating by distinguishing our loads in this manner? Hell, why don't we just go the whole nine yards and designate certain machines for “colors” - perhaps grouped close together in the center of the laundromat - while the white loads are comfortably spread throughout the rest of the facility?

This oppression must end! Hence I encourage each and every one of you who reads this to lobby your representatives in the government to outlaw the separation of white and color loads. I urge you, in your own practice, to achieve a true American melting-pot, every time you de-stink your stinkables. For only when the red sweatshirt, the black pants, the blue and green t-shirt, and the tighty-whities swim together in the same washing machine, will this country truly live up to its ideals of democracy.


NOTE: Since this blog has an occasional tendency to attract people who lack a certain faculty known as "a sense of humor," and it's attendant ability to recognize and and appreciate things like "sarcasm" and "satire," I'll make explicit what this post was about. I was in no way suggesting that we get rid of the institution of laundry (much as I'd love to for reasons of sheer laziness). Nor was I suggesting that the institution of laundry is in fact racist or that those who separate their laundry into loads based on color are consciously engaging in racism. Rather, I was making fun of people who feel the need to find racism everywhere, and in everything. Yes, racism is real, and it’s a terrible when it happens – but come on folks, pick your fucking battles.