Why I Should Be the Next Pope

As I sit here in Starbucks, slowly getting close to catching up on all the Con Law that I have neglected to read for the past month (mmm... Pass/Fail option), I've realized something very important. Even though I've wanted to be a lawyer since I watched The Devil's Advocate in high school, there might be a more satisfying career choice out there: being the Pope.

First of all, the job security is incredible. Not only are you Pope until you die, you don't even have to be able to fulfill the duties in your job description. You can sit around on a golden throne, mumble incoherently, and look holy. Moreover, you're pretty set on your career path. Fuck having to worry about making partner - you're God's representative on Earth. Unless you plan on running for Jesus, you're pretty much at the top of the food chain.

Besides all that, just think of all the girls you could get as Pope. Sure, you have to take a "vow of celibacy," but that's pretty much a formality, like promising not to bill clients for playing solitaire. I mean, it's not like you can't fool around as Pope - see, e.g., most of the Middle Ages and Renessaince. Fathering illegitimate children was practically expected and I'm pretty good at that. Plus, I've heard that chicks dig piety funny hats incalculable wealth and power.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "But Legally Intocxiated, you're an idiot Jewish. You can't be Pope." However, I don't see that as a serious obstacle. I mean, Jesus was Jewish. So was the first Pope, Peter. I think that I'm in pretty good company. Sure, my ancestors may have killed Christ, but that was an accident. We thought we were just killing Santa Claus.

Further, as far as my qualifications are concerned, I'm an excellent bullshitter. If I was able to convince my high school physics teacher that performing a ritual out of some stupid New Age book was a legitimate scientific experiment for my science fair project, I'll have no problem with all that "God loves you" and "If you repent for your sins, you'll go to heaven" stuff. Moreover, I'm already infallible and have a direct pipeline to God. And I have a doctorate in theology look good in big hats. If that's not enough, I don't know what is.

Fuck it, back to Con Law.