Report: Video Games Cause Cannibalism in Children

Associated Press - Horror struck the sleepy town of Fuckityville, IN when little Timmy O'Toole, aged 13, cracked open his little sister's skull and feasted on her sweet, sweet brains within. Uncomprehending parents and authorities are blaming video games for this grisly crime.

"If only we hadn't bought Timmy that gosh darn Stubbs the Zombie game for Christmas," said Mindy O'Toole. "If only I had read the report on how horrible violent games are for children... children are so impressionable, especially when these awful games glorify cannibalism."

Sadly, this is not the first such incident to blemish Fuckityville. Police Chief Basil Shitski attributes a string of carjackings/murders to youngsters playing Grand Theft Auto. "It was mayhem, I tells ya," said Shitski. "Kids was just yanking people out of their cars and jumping in. Some of dem would just start shooting at random folk with machine guns and rocket launchers purchased at AmmuNation. It was even worse then back in '89 when all dem kids kept getting high on mushrooms and jumping on those poor little turtles by da old pond."

Police have issued a warning to others who may have purchased games on's list of games they don't like. Parents are urged to watch for early warning signs of cannibalism in their children. Signs of cannibalism include dialated pupils, withdrawal from family and friends, and consuming human flesh.