The Aristocrats v. Super Talent Scouting, Inc.

WARNING: The following is my version of "The Aristocrats" joke. If you are easily offended by things like incest, necrophilia, and singing, stop reading right now. (Of course, if you are easily offended, what the fuck are you doing reading this blog in the first place?)


Baliff: “Oye, oye, oye. Now for consideration, No. 05-22691, The Aristocrats v. Super Talent Scouting, Inc.”

Me: “May it please the court. My name is Legally Intoxicated and I represent the appellants in this case.

“Your Honors, this is a case about fairness. Respondent, a talent agency, refused to represent my clients’ based on their family status. Would the court like a brief statement of the facts?”

Judge 1: "Yes, counselor."

Me: “Respondent owns a talent agency. The appellants, a family of five, walked into Respondent’s office, seeking representation for their act. Respondent initially declined, citing the fact that family acts were “too cutesy,” but agreed to allow them to perform a brief audition.

“The act began with the father reciting the ‘To be or not to be’ soliloquy from Hamlet, followed by the mother, two children, and grandmother singing ‘Amazing Grace’ while masturbating and flagellating themselves with green onions…”

Judge 3: “Counselor, correct me if I’m wrong, but did you just say that they were masturbating?”

Me: “Yes, your honor. While the rest of the family continued singing, the father brought out an apparently unconscious homeless man, tied him to a chair near Respondent’s desk, and hooked a car battery up to both of their testicles. As the mother, grandmother, and children neared the final few bars of their song, they each defecated in the homeless man’s lap. Because Appellants had been on a diet of Indian food, cocaine, and carrots for several weeks prior to this incident, the fecal matter was a delicate shade of orange, which apparently upset the father, who began to yell obscenities, inserted a plastic Bugs Bunny toy into his wife’s rectum, and punched her in the face three times.

“The father, however, had forgotten that his testicles were still attached to the car battery…”

Judge 2: “I find that very difficult to believe. How could you forget that your testicles are attached to a car battery?”

Me: “Well, your honor, that’s because all of the appellants were on a combination of cocaine, horse tranquilizers, peyote, and free-based polyethylene. Really, your honors, it’s a miracle they weren’t dead. However, as I was saying, the father had forgotten that his testicles were still attached to the car battery when he went to assault his wife, and consequently ripped his scrotum, spilling his testicles. I believe that the son ate one, and the grandmother ate the other – the record isn’t totally clear on this point – however, both of them were ultimately consumed, regurgitated, and force-fed to the still-tied up homeless man, who by now had regained consciousness.

“At this point, Respondent said he had seen enough, and asked Appellants to – and I quote – ‘get out of my office, you sick, dysfunctional fucks.’ Appellants, however, had not yet gotten to the most endearing part of their act, which included crucifying the homeless man, both the mother and father sodomizing the grandmother and two children…”

Judge 3: “How could the mother sodomize the children?”

Me: “With a strap-on, your honor. Also, with a broomstick. And the homeless man’s severed pinky. However, the point is that Appellants were never even given the opportunity to do this. Nor were they given the opportunity to cut the homeless man down from the crucifix, cut open his rib cage, and for the son and father to engage in sexual congress with his chest cavity. Further, Appellants would have finished up with a rousing finale of the classic song, ‘This Land is My Land,’ had they been allowed to finish.

“Indeed, Respondent never even asked Appellants what they called their act.”

Judge 1: “Counselor, this may be the foulest, most disgusting, most vile thing I’ve ever heard. I don’t even know how you agreed to represent them. Personally, I’d rather be representing Klansmen or…well, I was going to say child molesters…but…hmmm, I guess just regular old child molesters that don’t expose their children to… this! I am shocked and appalled and frankly don’t understand why these people aren’t in prison. Tell me, counselor – did these monsters even have a name for this…this… ‘act’?”

Me: “Yes, your honor. The Aristocrats.”

Judge 2: “I thought the facts of this case sounded familiar. I saw them in London. One hell of an act... one hell of an act. Do they still do that thing with the dog, the bottle, and firecrackers?”