“Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining.”

Ah, daytime television, you train wreck, you. So horrible, and yet I cannot look away. And, as it seems, I cannot stop thinking like a lawyer – it’s a fucking involuntary reflex.

Anyway, the case on Judge Mathis was pretty fucking simple. The plaintiff, a 300 lb. girl, hired a fashion designer to create a prom dress for her. The dress wasn’t ready on time, and she didn’t go to her senior prom. Since she didn’t pay for the dress, she sued the fashion designer for the trauma of missing her senior prom. And, of course, all I could think was, “Ok, this is just a question of consequential damages, and it’s a loser.”

Under Article 2, you can get “consequential damages resulting from the seller's breach” for “any loss resulting from general or particular requirements and needs of which the seller at the time of contracting had reason to know and which could not reasonably be prevented by cover or otherwise.” U.C.C. § 2-715. In other words, all the bitch had to do was buy another fucking dress and she could have easily gone to her prom, shared an intoxicated romp in the back of her boyfriend’s parents’ station wagon, and she would have been able to go to the abortion clinic three months later and live happily ever after. And of course, she could have sued for the extra cash she had to spend to get a prom dress on such short notice.* But no, she decided to mitigate her damages by sitting in her bathroom and crying while she freebased a gallon of Rocky Road. This is summary judgment shit, maybe even 12(b)(6)-able (depending on the pleadings). Why the fuck would you let this case get to trial?

Because it’s good TV and your producers choose the cases, that’s why. And, of course, because you’re not actually a “judge” presiding over a “court” – your “jurisdiction” is based on a contract between the parties and the network. And the bored housewives watching your show while they spoon-feed Gerber peas to their precious little poop-factories are going to flip the fucking channel if you start talking about the rule of Hadley v. Baxendale, 156 Eng. Rep. 145 (1854) or citing the Official Commentary to the U.C.C.. Besides, under the Federal Arbitration Act, you’re about as likely to get reversed on appeal as I am to start working at a soup kitchen. See 9 U.S.C. § 10 (really fucking limited grounds for vacating arbitration award).

Fuck it.


* - Whether she could have gotten compensated for having to orally pleasure the manager at Dress Barn is an open question.