Yes, yes, I saw Justice Scalia. Now who wants to touch me? I said, WHO WANTS TO FUCKING TOUCH ME?!?!?!?

What a fucking rush. And I’m not just talking about the blow that Big Tony (what the honorable Justice told me to call him) and I did off that 18-year-old stripper’s ass. No, I’m talking about just being in the man’s presence – I mean, he took out an entire fucking biker gang by himself, with nothing but a pool cue.

After the Federalist Society conference, the Dirty One, X, and I asked Scalia if we could buy him a beer. We never expected him to actually say yes (or “Fuckin’ A” for that matter). We were just sitting there at some dive bar in Milwaukee discussing the implications of Kelo and Supreme Court hazing rituals for new associate Justices. As it turns out, everybody gets hazed, not just Souter, and you wouldn’t believe some of the shit the Taney Court pulled – I’ve been sworn to secrecy on the details, but I can tell y’all it involved George Washington’s wooden teeth, a horse, and a broomstick.

But I digress. Anyway, we were all just sitting there shooting the shit, when this HUGE motherfucker with a bunch of fucking tattoos (including one that had “Earl Warren” inside a heart) walked up to our table, spit in Scalia’s mug, and said that textualism is for pussies. I thought this was going to be some serious shit, but this didn’t rattle Big Tony one bit. No, Big Tony just looked this asshole straight in the eye, said “This is what I think of your ‘living constitution’,” and drank the whole fucking thing, spit and all, and then started staring this crazy fucking biker down. What a fucking badass – Scalia makes Chuck Norris look like a 3-year-old girl with down syndrome and a bad case of hemrrhoids.

Now, I would have been impressed if that had been all, but it wasn’t – not by a long shot. Apparently, Scalia had not actually swallowed the spat-in beer, because he stood up and spit the whole fucking thing in this biker’s Substantive Due Process-loving face. Unfortunately, while the stare-down had been going on like stare decisis, the rest of this asshole’s gang started making their way over to our table, and these guys looked tough. One had a fucking nightstick sticking out of his back pocket, and another was fingering a length of chain – they both looked like they meant business.

But the Honorable Justice would have none of it. Just as these assholes looked like they were about to start wailing on him (and us) like they were complying with a legal duty to beat the shit out of us, Scalia – moving with a speed that belies his age and girth – jumped over the bikers like a fucking Olympic hurdler. He grabbed a fucking pool cue off the wall, snapped it in half over his knee, and started whipping the pieces around like he was Bruce fucking Lee. I mean, I knew he was a grandmaster with statutory text, but that’s fucking nothing next to what the man can do with a couple of pieces of wood – he had the bastards laid out cold in under ten seconds.

The best part was when, standing over their unconscious bodies, he turned to us and said:

"You like fundamental rights? How you like them fundamental rights?"

The man isn’t just a man – he’s a fucking legend, a warrior-poet. Now, I know what you’re thinking: B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T. And ok, maybe I exaggerated a little bit. Maybe Scalia didn’t “actually” tell us to call him “Big Tony.” And maybe he didn’t “actually” take out three hostile Warren Court-loving bikers with a pool cue. And maybe I didn’t “actually” do a line of coke off a stripper’s ass with one of the nation’s leading jurists. But I did shake his hand after he spoke at the Federalist Society conference. So fuck off – Congress isn’t regulating poetic license under its Commerce Clause powers. Yet.

Actually, the conference was fucking awesome. And I realize that this is incredibly nerdy, but I was just fucking starstruck by being in Scalia’s presence, along with like four U.S. Solicitor Generals. The highlight, of course, happened after Scalia spoke and was taking questions – X, after having been talking the talk, fucking stood up and walked the walk:

X: As a law student, I’d just like to thank you for writing all those great dissents. [audience laughs] Anyway, I have a two-part question. First, what do you think is the future of the Court’s Commerce Clause and Fourteenth Amendment jurisprudence? And second, have you ever seen the show “Harvey Birdman, Attorney-at-Law”?

Scalia: Harvey Birdman?

X: Yeah, they featured you on it. You were rapping with Donald Rumsfeld.

Scalia: Well, I don’t remember appearing on any show rapping. I hope they got someone good to play me.

X: It’s a cartoon. You should get one of your clerks to TiVo it.


I'm going to clerk for that man. He doesn't know it yet, but I'm going to clerk for him. Or alternatively, at least I'm going to head out to the bars. Fuck it.